The most famous doctor in world football, Eva Carneiro, has stunned social media by announcing she plans to quit Chelsea and football altogether, to move into porn.
The shock move comes after various news reports suggested Mourinho was close to sacking the 41-year-old, after she ran onto the pitch to treat Eden Hazard towards the end of Chelsea’s 2-2 draw with Swansea. She becomes the second former Chelsea employee to enter the adult industry, after Celestine Babayaro.
“Mr. Mourinho is a tyrant. I just want to work somewhere I am treated with dignity and respect by my co-workers, and at least women are treated equally in porn,” she said. “Also I’m not naive, I know that no other football club doctor has 400k followers on Facebook. I’m just giving my fans what they want. Besides, it can’t be much worse than what JT makes me do to him after a game.”
Speaking in the aftermath of the result, Mourinho blasted Carneiro:
“How dare she put a player’s health and well-being before a game of football. She is not Chelsea material. That is not what this club stands for. As I always tell my players and staff, ‘I don’t care how many opponents you have to racially abuse, I don’t care how many teammates’ wives you have to sleep with, all that matters is winning.’ “Mourinho denied that jealousy of her popularity was a factor in his decision to remove Carneiro from the bench: “I am not jealous of her. Eva Carneiro is not bigger than Chelsea. No one is bigger than this great club, except me.”
John Terry seemed emotional, saying he had “very mixed feelings” about her departure: “On one hand, I’m devastated to be losing someone who touched me in ways no footballer’s wife has ever touched me. But on the other hand, is my penis, and it’s very excited for Eva and her new career.”
Ron Jeremy will direct Carneiro’s first movie entitled “The Special Ones”:
“It stars Eva as a fictionalized version of herself in a porn mockumentary style,” Jeremy said. “She’ll play a sports doctor, working with the athletes at the Special Olympics. John Terry may make a cameo as one of the athletes.”
The Chelsea captain was coy on Jeremy’s comments, saying: “I guess it depends on Eva, but if she wants me to join her at the Special Olympics, I’ll definitely come.”
Carneiro is football’s most followed club doctor having currently amassed almost 400k likes on Facebook, beating the 2nd most followed doctor, by 334,990. She expects a media backlash to the news but insists that she is simply meeting demand with supply. “Even my instagram account has 700 followers and I haven’t even put up a picture yet. My fans are obsessed.”
In response, one unnamed fan from Cork, Ireland said: “Obsessed? Is she serious? Well if masterbating to an empty instagram feed, in the hope that she might some day actually put up a picture, makes me obsessed, then lock me up.” Carneiro echoed his closing remark.
Mr sexual harassment himself, Richard Keys, also weighed on the Carneiro saga and was promptly told where to go by twitter users:
Richard Keys predictably ways in on the “Eva Carneiro porn” rumours
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